It's all in my head

Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost a part of your life. ~Michael Leboeuf


I had a good weekend. I haven't been dieting. I am happier this way. This is not to say I have taken a blatant disregard for my health. I've been riding my bike to work an average of 3 times a week, and that is a round trip of 10 miles. That's nothing to sneeze at. I have been trying to enjoy this weather as much as possible and walk around with my flabby arms bare for all the world to see. I think walking with confidence is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.

The difference this weekend was I made an effort to be social for a change. I went out with coworkers on Friday, went to two parties and a country bar on Saturday, and went to a comedy show on Sunday with a new friend. These opportunities are almost always there but it's my own social awkwardness that keeps me from attending or being receptive to potential new people in my life.

I need to "Yes...and" my life more often. That shit really works!

Check in

Henning is in at 10 lbs lost. Horray me!

Computer Schmooter

I have decided that I spend way too much time on my computer and not enough time cultivating relationships with human people. So I'm going to blog about it. Thus spending more time on the computer and less time with the human people. Peoples. I'm just not good with peoples. I was a loner as a child. Mostly because any time I tried to make friends they teased me for being fat. I was also a fashion nightmare. What can I say, it was the 80s? My only friend was the girl that picked her nose, and I couldn't for the life of me get RID of her!

Things got better as I got older and learned to turn my brain away from science and technical skills towards more important things like reading girly magazines and shaking my booty.


This is what girls are taught to be...pretty much everything I hate:




I don't trust people. I need to start doing that. But in this crazy entertainment world I'm mixed up in, I'm learning to trust people less. The very people who embrace me are most likely only keeping me close so they can have a perfect position to stab me in the back. ...present company excluded of course. It's a sick feeling, I know, but that's my little life right now.

So there is... as Laura would say... that.

Yeah...yeah.

Hello Lovers,

I want to note immediately that I did not weigh in on Memorial Day weekend simply because I was out of town and away from my usual scale; add to that the fact that I ONLY weigh in on Saturdays. Let's face it: I can only bring myself to the scale one day a week, and even that is pushing it. So I will weigh myself in a few days and see where I'm at. I remain optimistic; I can feel some good muscle tone, and my waist looks a lot smoother.

I wanted to take this time to respond to Megan and Brian's recent passages about the "Scientific Analysis of Attraction." My answer is no surprise: I totally agree with Megan.

I consider myself a serial dater. I'm fairly confident enough to sidle up to a gentleman and chat him up - especially when I have a few sips of spirit in me. Here's a hint: This One is a lightweight in the alcohol department. Refer to Easter weekend 2005 for my last heavy drunk. That said, I don't need alcohol to feel attractive. I need drugs.

I kid. And no, it never ends.

But I have to say I'm proud of the eye candy I pick up: Rigoberto the dashing, silver-tongued water delivery guy; Justin, the self-employed trader; Chad, the tattooed Irish punk-lover. There are a bunch of forgotten ones in between, but these I consider my conquests. I saw them, I wanted them, I went out with them. I call that a confidence boost.

Get this - none of these guys panned out. I was taken for a ride by all of them. Rigo had a FIANCE he didn't tell me about for weeks; Justin needed to "concentrate on finding a better job"; Chad just stopped calling after 5 dates (I actually fear he's dead because he was more into me than I was into him).

It's easy to see that I prize looks, but to my defense, I only note their attractiveness because I'm surprised they even gave me the time of day. However, this seeming luck is only outweighed by the fact that none of them stuck with me.

I'm not an easy girl. I don't believe in casual sex. Most of these guys did, and I know that's why nothing happened. I think attractive guys sometimes go for fat chicks because they think we're easy because we have low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem, but I'm not stupid; I won't let that put me in the position to pick up some disease in this city full of casual one-night standers.

In all fairness, though, I can't play pious to the One-Night Standard; I also have a nasty habit of keeping worthy men at a safe emotional distance. I lost two amazing boyfriends to that very same problem. Now they're married to women whom they tout "let themselves be loved".

That's not how I roll...yet.

Maybe that next level will come with massive weight loss. Maybe it will come with holding out for the right person, the right moment, the right atmosphere. Maybe it will come when I least expect it. I know that I'm a romantic, and I'm not going to give up on love.

But if I see one more over-tanned, under-dressed, trixee-ass bitch nagging out her attentive, gorgeous boyfriend for what he's wearing or what he's not saying, I'm gonna start throwing fists. Men of the world, you can be treated better than how your trophy-girlfriend looks.

Take it from me:



So there's that,

Laura

re: scientific analysis of attraction

First off, I remained steady weight-wise this week. I'm happy with that because I was in ohio for a few days and was fairly certain sticking to the diet would be difficult considering I'd be going out with friends and have a mom who loves to cook. That being said, I didnt do TOO bad and despite the fact that I told myself that I wouldn't weigh in this week in order to avoid a disappointment, I did anyway, and while I didnt lose, I didnt gain during my trip, so I'm satisfied with that.

Now, Henning gets deep. Buckle up kids, this is a rarity.

I read Meeg's last post and it made me think. About myself and about something that happened during my ohio trip.

I'm a fairly confident person. I am confident about myself as a writer, a performer, a worker...I have confidence about every aspect of my life except one...my weight's impact on my appearance. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror I don't cringe...I think I'm a pretty decent looking guy...although on many, many occasions I have thought to myself "if I lost weight, I'd be hot."

I went to Roscoe's one night with my roommate and I was completely infatuated with the guy who carded us at the door. After we left, I commented to my roommate about him and he told me that I should have talked with him. I responded "he's out of my league," to which my roommate replied "why?"

Why.

An interesting question. Insecure Bri frequently assumes that nice looking, in-shape guys would never be interested, and while that may often be the case...it doesn't have to be. Confidence is a huge plus when it comes to attraction. If you are confident in yourself in every aspect others are drawn to you. Insecurity is very readable. It's kind of like how dogs sense fear. If you are insecure, people notice. It draws attention to the very thing one is insecure about. I remember when I was an auctioneer in Ohio...on more than one occasion people left their numbers for me with the cashier. Why? Because when I was selling, I lost all insecurity. I became so involved in what I was doing (something that I do with utmost confidence in my ability) that any insecurity about myself vanished.

When I was in ohio, i met up with some high school friends. One revealed to me that in high school she, and one of her friends, both had crushes on me but made a pact not to ask me out...but would both be ok with it if I had ever asked either one out. They were both people that I considered out of my league.

Interesting and enlightening. Perhaps the only thing that is keeping Henning single is his insecurity about himself.

Scientific Analysis of Attraction

So yeah, I'm out of my sugar coma and eating normal. I had a nice little pint of Hagan Daz Cookie Dough ice cream for dinner and I'm going to watch a Molly Shannon DVD for Dessert. But what I want to talk about has nothing to do with any of that. I want to know, why guys like certain girls.

Other than a few harmless dalliances here and there, I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I know I am a very busy person, I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't need anybody, but sometimes I get down on myself about it.

I'm told I'm pretty, and funny, and easy to get along with, I have nice eyes among other things and I brighten peoples days blah blah blah... bullshit. How come the only offers I get are from homeless men covered in puke on the L? I've been trying to do honest research on the subject.

The other day I was getting on the bus at North/Clybourn and this woman would not stop bitching about the CTA, and the fact that the Red Line was running on the Brown Line tracks and how it was ruining her life. She was with a man who appeared to be playing the boyfriend/husband role. He just stayed quiet and took everything she dealt out for the 10 minutes I observed them as we rode down North Ave. He was athletic, tan, dressed decently, but slightly disheveled from a long day with her. She was average to dumpy, with scraggly hair, and no chin wearing white shorts and a striped tank top. For 10 minutes straight I tried to observe something attractive about her, some reason for him to stick by her through this dramatic life altering event of the trains being on a detour.

I imagined that maybe they started dating in college, maybe she's really good at math and she helped him with his homework in exchange for his help fixing a dining room table. Then she clubbed him over the head with the table leg before he could get away.

Why? Why would any decently attractive, self-respecting man, put up with whiny no-chin over there? It makes no sense. The only observable thing she's got going for her is that she's not fat.

So from this scientific observation I can conclude: guys don't like me because I'm fat.

BUT then you see these morbidly obese, conservative, right-wing, ultra Christian women with 50 kids. Someone must find her attractive to create that litter of little monsters roaming the farm. Another theory is that her creepy mustached minister husband is trying to prove he's not really gay by constantly impregnating her.

Conclusion: I'm too smart for that.

What about this huge ghetto girl I see walking down the street holding hands with her little papi? She looks like a bruised sack of potatoes in her basketball jersey and sweats with her hair pulled back tight against her unwashed scalp. Yet he looks at her adoringly as she sips the 32oz mountain dew in her other hand. Why?

Conclusion: I bathe too often.

Some of my girlfriends say I'm too picky. Maybe I do shy away from the brain-damaged frat boy, The Sketchy Knight(inside joke meaning ultra conservative baby-factory), or Mini-Machismo.

Other friends say I'm not picky enough, that I'm a great catch and I should be confident and the right guy will come along. This is usually from my gay friends or male friends with girlfriends.

How do people do it? How do I get what the above loser examples have and yet retain my coolness?

I can't. I'm too smart, I bathe, and I'm fat.
...oh yeah, and I have a chin.


Damn this PERFECT CHIN!
It causes me nothing but loneliness.



So I may as well eat ice cream.

The Namesake

Hello Lovers,

I saw an amazing movie this weekend - The Namesake - and I think you should see it, even if I don't know you. I cried a lot, and I want to show it to everyone I know. It's about family, filial piety (a child's reverence of parents), and growing up different and being bitter about it. It's just...I want to hug my family after watching it. See it.

After a week of spotty dieting and hard exercise, I'm down 2.8 pounds - this brings my total contest weight loss to 7.8 lbs. Good stuff.

The trouble with a surprise loss after a naughty week is that I assume I can continue to be a naughty dieter and still lose something. This kind of thinking promotes a huge setback in me by not working up to my dieting potential.

Four years ago when I lost 100 pounds, the weight came off fairly easily. I averaged a loss of 5 pounds per week. I lost 60 pounds in the first three months, and I credit that to working in a sweatshop laundry factory in Montana. I lost 20 more pounds in August to December when my senior year of college began, and the other twenty melted away during the entire year of 2004. I started the Great Regain in May of 2005, when I moved into my first Chicago apartment, too far from Curves and too close to good restaurants.

Looking back, I guess it took a long time to lose that weight - about a year and a half. It's just taking me longer to get going. I recommited to a diet and excercise routine in January, and I've only lost 20 lbs. I doesn't compare at all with my prior weight loss successes.

I guess I should just be happy that I'm losing. I just need to kick it into gear so I can blow these other fatties out of the water.

I made a banana split yesterday with homemade strawberry sauce and low fat ice cream. It was heaven.

So there's that,

Laura

Cream of Hot Dog Soup & Trio Deep Salad

Hello Lovers,

I'm sorry to have been away from the keys all week, but I've been keeping myself busy. For update purposes, I guess I should say I lost 1 pound last week. That's good, but after two weeks of 4 pound losses, it's a bit of a downer. I don't expect high hopes this week either because I haven't been the best of eaters, and I haven't been popping those pills on schedule.

I had a cream puff today. It was worth it.

I really wanted to mention some funny things about where I work. It's a catering company, and we own a restaurant and bar in the building as well. Every day, I get comped breakfast and lunch and snacks, so I can't complain; however, this restaurant is like none I've ever experienced. It's quirky, and it's driving me insane.

I'll start with the blackboard we use for posting daily specials. All of our staff is Mexican, and that explains this error: At the top of the board in chalk it says "Today Special." They pick these phrases up by ear and write down what they hear, so instead of Today's Special, we get the above. Other aural errors include but are not limited to: Cream of Sparagus Soup, Turkey with Cramberry Sauce and today's special, Trio Deep Salad.

When I went down at 11 today, I saw that and thought, "WTF is Trio Deep Salad? Is it a deep sea salad with 3 fish products on it? That's not uncommon. What's missing in this phrase?" So I go over to the salad station, and there sits a salad with mounds of tabbouleh, hummus and baba gannouj, served with crackers and dressed veggies. Then it occurred to me - Trio DIP Salad. How silly am I?

So as I am wont to do, I went to correct the blackboard, and Javier our "pastry chef" got all snotty with me. That's my job; I'm damage control. What do our customers think when they see these things? I know what they think - I hear them dissing our product in the elevators.

And for good reason. Yesterday boasted a special for Cream of Italian Sausage Soup. I was hungry after my salad, and I needed the calories, so I got a small cup. Floating on top of a creamy broth was my "Italian Sausage": A cocktail weenie, cut on the bias. The soup was full of cocktail weenies. They didn't taste like sausage, they didn't taste like Polish, they tasted like hot dogs. There it was - Cream of Hot Dog Soup.

This just goes along with other infamous soup specials of the past.

Fish Ball Soup
Pork Ball Soup
Seafood and Vegetable (whole stir-fry veggies with whole calamari, tentacles and all)
Meat Chili
Cream of Radish

This is my monkeyville, Pitko. This is my monkeyville.

So there's that,

Laura

Meegs continues path to destruction...

As if the entire loaf of maple walnut bread with McGill wasnt enough, last night I stumbled upon Meegs in my local Jewel Osco. She was in the bread isle, on the floor, passed out, surrounded by empty packages of white hot dog buns. I counted at least 12 bags, but im not sure how many were pinned beneath her, or how many she had ingested in a carb induced craze.

Atkins is a scary, scary thing and it is taking its toll on the carb queen.

The Walk of Shame

The smell of peanut and garlic wafted into the office. The announcement came over the intercom, "Lunch is ready." Several dozen people sang an off-key Happy Birthday.

Suddenly fear that that there wasn't enough food swept over the crowd. All were consumed with an adrenaline aphrodisiac and fought their way through the mounds of Pad Thai and Cashew Chicken. I held back, nibbling on fresh green beans dipped in ranch to try to crunch my loneliness away. After the crowd waned, I couldn't take it anymore and I descended upon the remnants like a hyena. Scattered skeletal bits of spring roll, mixed vegetables, chicken, and noodles covered the bar. I carefully selected a small plate of vegetables, but couldn't resist a little bit of chicken and a small spring roll. Every bite was delectable, but I fear that the unknown sauce was a sugary gateway drug. The cravings welled up from a dark place deep within, and I thirsted for more.

I went back to the bar to find only a smattering of Pad Thai. "A tiny bit won't hurt" I thought to myself as I took a taste. The rest was a blur.

Brian found me a few minutes later under the table with noodles in my hair and a peanut sauce stain on my skirt. Bits of carrot cake frosting lingered at the corners of my mouth. Embarrassed, I pulled myself together and limped back to my desk like a prom date given a bus pass instead of a ride home.

Despite Brian's cruel taunting, I have faith that I will recover from this indiscretion. No regrets! Even if it causes a minor setback in my diet plans, those fleeting moments of passion were worth it.

MEGAN GIVES UP!!!

ok, so for those of you who don't know, meegan and i work together. today is birthday lunch and thai food was ordered. meegan, who is doing ATKINS (NO CARBS) attempted to eat non carb food but now is eating an enormous plate of pad thai (noodles, lots of carbs).

SHE IS GOING TO GAIN 47 LBS. I think i just heard a button burst.

VICTORY IS MINE!!

SUCCESS!!

Im happy to say that I indeed did drop a pound week two bringing the two week total to 8.

GO HENNING!!

The End of Week Two

tomorrow is monday, and signifies the beginning of week three of the second helping weight loss challenge. i'm a little hesitant to do the weigh in tomorrow morning. i don't expect to lose as much as i did week one, and that's cool, as losing 7 lbs a week isn't normal beyond week one. my biggest concern is stepping on the scale to find i've held steady. i like to see progress. one pound, i'm happy. none and i'm a bit discouraged.

all and all things have been going well. ive been making good food choices for the last two weeks and have really impressed myself. i've found that i don't have the desire to eat bad things and when the notion does pop in my mind it is easy to fight. friday night i was off and had a rare opportunity to relax at the house and kick back. i went to trader joe's to pick up a few things and while i was there i got the urge to get something snacky. i ended up with a bag of light white cheddar popcorn that, as the label showed, wasn't exactly health food but wasn't all that bad either. it completely satisfied me. then today, sunday, has been a really long day. i worked, had a comedysportz student show followed by a rehearsal, it was a non stop day. in the back of my mind i kept thinking "i'm going to get some ice cream or something on the way home," but when the time came, i didn't do it and enjoyed some hummus instead. i'm happy with that aspect...big time.

the exercise portion is lagging, though. it's now midnight, and i'm tired. part of me wants to get out and go for a walk but most of me wants to call it a night and get some rest. i need to find more time to exercise. i work a lot, rehearse and/or meet for show stuff 4-5 times a week, have 2 classes and still try to get a good flow of stuff on ebay to help pay the bills...its a lot of running around and i thoroughly enjoy all of it, however it really does cut into the exercise time.

that is going to be my goal for this coming week. make sure i get the exercise in. this past week i only got in walks twice...and when i say walk, i'm referring to the 6-8 mile brisk walks i take specifically for exercise, not walking to and from things like i've been doing more and more. i'm going to do my best to get 4 in. hopefully i'll find the time to do that.

here's to week 3!!

bh

The Life Aquatic

Hello Lovers.

So I'm a little down. That's me...I'm overjoyed and eager one week, then secret-eating the next.I'm a little stressed. I'm in a career stalemate, and I'm torn between what's good for the company and what's good for me. I know enough to say that what's good for me is always right. I just have to make some decisions and do a lot of work.

I got take out a lot this week. Thai Aroma's broccoli beef (with cucumber salad!), Cosi's buffalo chicken sandwich (and signature salad!), and last night was the worst - 2 slices of Pizza-Ria! pizza (one veggie, one pepperoni/sausage). I don't even like pizza, and I didn't even like eating it. I was just starving, and Lane Bryant closed before I got there, and this place was right next to the train, so I did it. I ate my feelings. Just because I couldn't go to a clothing store to get something I really didn't need, I decided to spend my money on food. What a mess am I.

I was watching The Life Aquatic last night, and I always get weepy at that part where they're all in the search pod and they've just seen the jaguar shark, and Steve Zissou says, "Do you think he remembers me?" Then he starts weeping and everybody puts their hands on him.

I think like that sometimes. I've met so many people in my life, and I reflect on them quite often. I wonder, though if any of those people (especially the men) think back on me. I'm a passionate person, I think there's a reason for everything, and I try to take every experience and put it in my files. I fill my time with work and exercise and comedy, but the time that's empty of those things is full of thought on what I've done and what I'm doing. These thoughts come in the night as I try to pull myself toward sleep - the primetime for self-reflection. It's also the time of the day when I feel most vulnerable and lost. Would this change if I had someone's arms around me, a neck to nuzzle into as we float to slumber? Or would I always be thinking, "Do you think he remembers me? Do you think this one here cares about me like no one else has?"

I'm a real person - I'm prone to sappy blogs. The person I am is scarred, but hopeful. There are times I'm positive, and times I'm cynical. I don't want to chase love or marriage by any stretch, but that doesn't mean that I don't want it to happen at some point. I'm still holding out for that one great person, and I can only hope that my patience and perserverance will be rewarded.

In the meantime, I need to be true to myself and my goals. Weight loss has always been my major focus in life...and that could very well be part of the problem. I don't want to stop losing, but I worry that all I think about is portion control and exercise; what will I have to offer when I finally reach my goals? What good is a perfect body if I don't know who the fuck I am?

I have a pretty good idea.

So there's that,

Laura

Balanced Diets are for Pussies

There is only one food group. And her name is meat.

I have lost 13 lbs. Brian cannot take that away from me. His sticks and stones may break my bones but his words float past me like the wafting scent of a rotisserie chicken.

This week my goal is to implement an exercise plan. I will make love to that pull up machine every day if it kills me.

P.S. The donut liked my singing. Food loves me back. Unlike people.

Week One Results

Well fatkateers, week one has ended, and judging by the frantic series of text messages Meegs sent out at 2 am, it appears she has lost the most weight thus far. Honestly, I'm not a bit surprised. See, she is doing Atkins, a diet that ensures failure to all who try it. Sure, she will lose a lot of weight very quickly, but I know Meegs. She loves carbs. I once saw her serenade a donut. At some point she will eat one single crouton and gain 53 pounds. It is inevitable. While she is victorious this week, and maybe even next, it is obvious that I am the real winner.

WEEK ONE RESULTS: SEVEN POUNDS LOST

I have to admit I'm quite pleased. I knew going into this that I would ultimately be the winner, however I also knew that simple diet and exercise would most likely help me lose weight more slowly than Ms. Bacon and The Pill-popper (by the way, congrats on being third, Laura). So I'm please that week one yielded such great results. Basically, I watched what I ate. Had lots of salads and fresh fruits and when I did eat out somewhere I got something delectable yet somewhat healthy (at least compared to the other things on the menu) and substituted fries for other things, etc. See, while I am on a diet, there is nothing I cant have if I so choose. Nothing is off limits, so that craving for something I can't have isn't there.

I also wanted to point out that Mr. McGill's claims of only being chubby may indeed be an elaborate hoax on his part. Surprisingly, after my week one loss, I now weigh 2 pounds less than he does, despite being 5 inches taller. Does this mean I'm only chubby as well? Or does it mean that McGill is actually....

I TOLD YOU!

I'm a Loser, Baby!

Hello Lovers,

For those of you who think diet pills are a myth, here's something for you:

4 POUNDS!
DA DA DAAAH, DA DA DAAAHHHH! TONY LING!

That last bit was a college reference only a few of you will get. But the fact remains that I lost 4 pounds this week, bitches. And I did it with Hoodia and water pills. And diet and excercise, but mostly pills. Whew! Success feels good.

This is the first loss that will count toward the weight loss challenge, but I've been working at this for 3 months now, and these 4 little pounds bring my total loss to 17.8 pounds. Feel that.

I grant myself one cheat day a week and that day was Saturday. I had two helpings of soup from SoupBox (Lobster Bisque mixed with Clam Chowder - nummers!), 16 oz Jamba Juice (Berry Fulfilling with Fiber), Movie Theater Nachos (Go see Hot Fuzz!), and Cinco de Mayo Nachos from the questionable Mexican place 'round the block. And oatmeal scotchies. And Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked...Light Frozen Yogurt. And yes, it was worth it.

Now I'm back in the groove and feeling great! Let's shoot for another 4 pounds next week!

So there's that,

Laura

Video #1 - Introduction

My Goodies

Hello Lovers,

I've been doing swimmingly on portion control in the last 2 weeks. I made a southwest chicken pasta salad last night that was heavenly, and I was washing dishes I thought,

"Why don't I go ahead and make up those Oatmeal Scotchies I have all the ingredients for?"

And I did. If you don't know, an oatmeal scotchie is the best cookie known to man. Oatmeal cookie dough with butterscotch morsels (so much better than chocolate) and walnuts. Well, I add walnuts because I think they make every dessert better. Yummers, yummers x 10. You don't see that on your average multiplication table.

The neat thing though, is that I made them, and ate ONE. I normally wrap them up to take to work, but I hate my job right now, so I'm not going to bless anyone with cookies. I thought I'd give myself a little spiritual test: Keep the big plate on my counter and see how well I can abstain from eating them all.

Talk about a tempest in a teapot-shaped cookie jar!

I'll keep you posted on my goodies, my goodies, my goodies - not my goodies.

So there's that,

Laura