Scientific Analysis of Attraction

So yeah, I'm out of my sugar coma and eating normal. I had a nice little pint of Hagan Daz Cookie Dough ice cream for dinner and I'm going to watch a Molly Shannon DVD for Dessert. But what I want to talk about has nothing to do with any of that. I want to know, why guys like certain girls.

Other than a few harmless dalliances here and there, I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I know I am a very busy person, I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't need anybody, but sometimes I get down on myself about it.

I'm told I'm pretty, and funny, and easy to get along with, I have nice eyes among other things and I brighten peoples days blah blah blah... bullshit. How come the only offers I get are from homeless men covered in puke on the L? I've been trying to do honest research on the subject.

The other day I was getting on the bus at North/Clybourn and this woman would not stop bitching about the CTA, and the fact that the Red Line was running on the Brown Line tracks and how it was ruining her life. She was with a man who appeared to be playing the boyfriend/husband role. He just stayed quiet and took everything she dealt out for the 10 minutes I observed them as we rode down North Ave. He was athletic, tan, dressed decently, but slightly disheveled from a long day with her. She was average to dumpy, with scraggly hair, and no chin wearing white shorts and a striped tank top. For 10 minutes straight I tried to observe something attractive about her, some reason for him to stick by her through this dramatic life altering event of the trains being on a detour.

I imagined that maybe they started dating in college, maybe she's really good at math and she helped him with his homework in exchange for his help fixing a dining room table. Then she clubbed him over the head with the table leg before he could get away.

Why? Why would any decently attractive, self-respecting man, put up with whiny no-chin over there? It makes no sense. The only observable thing she's got going for her is that she's not fat.

So from this scientific observation I can conclude: guys don't like me because I'm fat.

BUT then you see these morbidly obese, conservative, right-wing, ultra Christian women with 50 kids. Someone must find her attractive to create that litter of little monsters roaming the farm. Another theory is that her creepy mustached minister husband is trying to prove he's not really gay by constantly impregnating her.

Conclusion: I'm too smart for that.

What about this huge ghetto girl I see walking down the street holding hands with her little papi? She looks like a bruised sack of potatoes in her basketball jersey and sweats with her hair pulled back tight against her unwashed scalp. Yet he looks at her adoringly as she sips the 32oz mountain dew in her other hand. Why?

Conclusion: I bathe too often.

Some of my girlfriends say I'm too picky. Maybe I do shy away from the brain-damaged frat boy, The Sketchy Knight(inside joke meaning ultra conservative baby-factory), or Mini-Machismo.

Other friends say I'm not picky enough, that I'm a great catch and I should be confident and the right guy will come along. This is usually from my gay friends or male friends with girlfriends.

How do people do it? How do I get what the above loser examples have and yet retain my coolness?

I can't. I'm too smart, I bathe, and I'm fat.
...oh yeah, and I have a chin.


Damn this PERFECT CHIN!
It causes me nothing but loneliness.



So I may as well eat ice cream.