It's all in my head

Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost a part of your life. ~Michael Leboeuf


I had a good weekend. I haven't been dieting. I am happier this way. This is not to say I have taken a blatant disregard for my health. I've been riding my bike to work an average of 3 times a week, and that is a round trip of 10 miles. That's nothing to sneeze at. I have been trying to enjoy this weather as much as possible and walk around with my flabby arms bare for all the world to see. I think walking with confidence is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.

The difference this weekend was I made an effort to be social for a change. I went out with coworkers on Friday, went to two parties and a country bar on Saturday, and went to a comedy show on Sunday with a new friend. These opportunities are almost always there but it's my own social awkwardness that keeps me from attending or being receptive to potential new people in my life.

I need to "Yes...and" my life more often. That shit really works!

Check in

Henning is in at 10 lbs lost. Horray me!

Computer Schmooter

I have decided that I spend way too much time on my computer and not enough time cultivating relationships with human people. So I'm going to blog about it. Thus spending more time on the computer and less time with the human people. Peoples. I'm just not good with peoples. I was a loner as a child. Mostly because any time I tried to make friends they teased me for being fat. I was also a fashion nightmare. What can I say, it was the 80s? My only friend was the girl that picked her nose, and I couldn't for the life of me get RID of her!

Things got better as I got older and learned to turn my brain away from science and technical skills towards more important things like reading girly magazines and shaking my booty.


This is what girls are taught to be...pretty much everything I hate:




I don't trust people. I need to start doing that. But in this crazy entertainment world I'm mixed up in, I'm learning to trust people less. The very people who embrace me are most likely only keeping me close so they can have a perfect position to stab me in the back. ...present company excluded of course. It's a sick feeling, I know, but that's my little life right now.

So there is... as Laura would say... that.

Yeah...yeah.

Hello Lovers,

I want to note immediately that I did not weigh in on Memorial Day weekend simply because I was out of town and away from my usual scale; add to that the fact that I ONLY weigh in on Saturdays. Let's face it: I can only bring myself to the scale one day a week, and even that is pushing it. So I will weigh myself in a few days and see where I'm at. I remain optimistic; I can feel some good muscle tone, and my waist looks a lot smoother.

I wanted to take this time to respond to Megan and Brian's recent passages about the "Scientific Analysis of Attraction." My answer is no surprise: I totally agree with Megan.

I consider myself a serial dater. I'm fairly confident enough to sidle up to a gentleman and chat him up - especially when I have a few sips of spirit in me. Here's a hint: This One is a lightweight in the alcohol department. Refer to Easter weekend 2005 for my last heavy drunk. That said, I don't need alcohol to feel attractive. I need drugs.

I kid. And no, it never ends.

But I have to say I'm proud of the eye candy I pick up: Rigoberto the dashing, silver-tongued water delivery guy; Justin, the self-employed trader; Chad, the tattooed Irish punk-lover. There are a bunch of forgotten ones in between, but these I consider my conquests. I saw them, I wanted them, I went out with them. I call that a confidence boost.

Get this - none of these guys panned out. I was taken for a ride by all of them. Rigo had a FIANCE he didn't tell me about for weeks; Justin needed to "concentrate on finding a better job"; Chad just stopped calling after 5 dates (I actually fear he's dead because he was more into me than I was into him).

It's easy to see that I prize looks, but to my defense, I only note their attractiveness because I'm surprised they even gave me the time of day. However, this seeming luck is only outweighed by the fact that none of them stuck with me.

I'm not an easy girl. I don't believe in casual sex. Most of these guys did, and I know that's why nothing happened. I think attractive guys sometimes go for fat chicks because they think we're easy because we have low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem, but I'm not stupid; I won't let that put me in the position to pick up some disease in this city full of casual one-night standers.

In all fairness, though, I can't play pious to the One-Night Standard; I also have a nasty habit of keeping worthy men at a safe emotional distance. I lost two amazing boyfriends to that very same problem. Now they're married to women whom they tout "let themselves be loved".

That's not how I roll...yet.

Maybe that next level will come with massive weight loss. Maybe it will come with holding out for the right person, the right moment, the right atmosphere. Maybe it will come when I least expect it. I know that I'm a romantic, and I'm not going to give up on love.

But if I see one more over-tanned, under-dressed, trixee-ass bitch nagging out her attentive, gorgeous boyfriend for what he's wearing or what he's not saying, I'm gonna start throwing fists. Men of the world, you can be treated better than how your trophy-girlfriend looks.

Take it from me:



So there's that,

Laura

re: scientific analysis of attraction

First off, I remained steady weight-wise this week. I'm happy with that because I was in ohio for a few days and was fairly certain sticking to the diet would be difficult considering I'd be going out with friends and have a mom who loves to cook. That being said, I didnt do TOO bad and despite the fact that I told myself that I wouldn't weigh in this week in order to avoid a disappointment, I did anyway, and while I didnt lose, I didnt gain during my trip, so I'm satisfied with that.

Now, Henning gets deep. Buckle up kids, this is a rarity.

I read Meeg's last post and it made me think. About myself and about something that happened during my ohio trip.

I'm a fairly confident person. I am confident about myself as a writer, a performer, a worker...I have confidence about every aspect of my life except one...my weight's impact on my appearance. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror I don't cringe...I think I'm a pretty decent looking guy...although on many, many occasions I have thought to myself "if I lost weight, I'd be hot."

I went to Roscoe's one night with my roommate and I was completely infatuated with the guy who carded us at the door. After we left, I commented to my roommate about him and he told me that I should have talked with him. I responded "he's out of my league," to which my roommate replied "why?"

Why.

An interesting question. Insecure Bri frequently assumes that nice looking, in-shape guys would never be interested, and while that may often be the case...it doesn't have to be. Confidence is a huge plus when it comes to attraction. If you are confident in yourself in every aspect others are drawn to you. Insecurity is very readable. It's kind of like how dogs sense fear. If you are insecure, people notice. It draws attention to the very thing one is insecure about. I remember when I was an auctioneer in Ohio...on more than one occasion people left their numbers for me with the cashier. Why? Because when I was selling, I lost all insecurity. I became so involved in what I was doing (something that I do with utmost confidence in my ability) that any insecurity about myself vanished.

When I was in ohio, i met up with some high school friends. One revealed to me that in high school she, and one of her friends, both had crushes on me but made a pact not to ask me out...but would both be ok with it if I had ever asked either one out. They were both people that I considered out of my league.

Interesting and enlightening. Perhaps the only thing that is keeping Henning single is his insecurity about himself.

Scientific Analysis of Attraction

So yeah, I'm out of my sugar coma and eating normal. I had a nice little pint of Hagan Daz Cookie Dough ice cream for dinner and I'm going to watch a Molly Shannon DVD for Dessert. But what I want to talk about has nothing to do with any of that. I want to know, why guys like certain girls.

Other than a few harmless dalliances here and there, I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I know I am a very busy person, I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't need anybody, but sometimes I get down on myself about it.

I'm told I'm pretty, and funny, and easy to get along with, I have nice eyes among other things and I brighten peoples days blah blah blah... bullshit. How come the only offers I get are from homeless men covered in puke on the L? I've been trying to do honest research on the subject.

The other day I was getting on the bus at North/Clybourn and this woman would not stop bitching about the CTA, and the fact that the Red Line was running on the Brown Line tracks and how it was ruining her life. She was with a man who appeared to be playing the boyfriend/husband role. He just stayed quiet and took everything she dealt out for the 10 minutes I observed them as we rode down North Ave. He was athletic, tan, dressed decently, but slightly disheveled from a long day with her. She was average to dumpy, with scraggly hair, and no chin wearing white shorts and a striped tank top. For 10 minutes straight I tried to observe something attractive about her, some reason for him to stick by her through this dramatic life altering event of the trains being on a detour.

I imagined that maybe they started dating in college, maybe she's really good at math and she helped him with his homework in exchange for his help fixing a dining room table. Then she clubbed him over the head with the table leg before he could get away.

Why? Why would any decently attractive, self-respecting man, put up with whiny no-chin over there? It makes no sense. The only observable thing she's got going for her is that she's not fat.

So from this scientific observation I can conclude: guys don't like me because I'm fat.

BUT then you see these morbidly obese, conservative, right-wing, ultra Christian women with 50 kids. Someone must find her attractive to create that litter of little monsters roaming the farm. Another theory is that her creepy mustached minister husband is trying to prove he's not really gay by constantly impregnating her.

Conclusion: I'm too smart for that.

What about this huge ghetto girl I see walking down the street holding hands with her little papi? She looks like a bruised sack of potatoes in her basketball jersey and sweats with her hair pulled back tight against her unwashed scalp. Yet he looks at her adoringly as she sips the 32oz mountain dew in her other hand. Why?

Conclusion: I bathe too often.

Some of my girlfriends say I'm too picky. Maybe I do shy away from the brain-damaged frat boy, The Sketchy Knight(inside joke meaning ultra conservative baby-factory), or Mini-Machismo.

Other friends say I'm not picky enough, that I'm a great catch and I should be confident and the right guy will come along. This is usually from my gay friends or male friends with girlfriends.

How do people do it? How do I get what the above loser examples have and yet retain my coolness?

I can't. I'm too smart, I bathe, and I'm fat.
...oh yeah, and I have a chin.


Damn this PERFECT CHIN!
It causes me nothing but loneliness.



So I may as well eat ice cream.

The Namesake

Hello Lovers,

I saw an amazing movie this weekend - The Namesake - and I think you should see it, even if I don't know you. I cried a lot, and I want to show it to everyone I know. It's about family, filial piety (a child's reverence of parents), and growing up different and being bitter about it. It's just...I want to hug my family after watching it. See it.

After a week of spotty dieting and hard exercise, I'm down 2.8 pounds - this brings my total contest weight loss to 7.8 lbs. Good stuff.

The trouble with a surprise loss after a naughty week is that I assume I can continue to be a naughty dieter and still lose something. This kind of thinking promotes a huge setback in me by not working up to my dieting potential.

Four years ago when I lost 100 pounds, the weight came off fairly easily. I averaged a loss of 5 pounds per week. I lost 60 pounds in the first three months, and I credit that to working in a sweatshop laundry factory in Montana. I lost 20 more pounds in August to December when my senior year of college began, and the other twenty melted away during the entire year of 2004. I started the Great Regain in May of 2005, when I moved into my first Chicago apartment, too far from Curves and too close to good restaurants.

Looking back, I guess it took a long time to lose that weight - about a year and a half. It's just taking me longer to get going. I recommited to a diet and excercise routine in January, and I've only lost 20 lbs. I doesn't compare at all with my prior weight loss successes.

I guess I should just be happy that I'm losing. I just need to kick it into gear so I can blow these other fatties out of the water.

I made a banana split yesterday with homemade strawberry sauce and low fat ice cream. It was heaven.

So there's that,

Laura

Cream of Hot Dog Soup & Trio Deep Salad

Hello Lovers,

I'm sorry to have been away from the keys all week, but I've been keeping myself busy. For update purposes, I guess I should say I lost 1 pound last week. That's good, but after two weeks of 4 pound losses, it's a bit of a downer. I don't expect high hopes this week either because I haven't been the best of eaters, and I haven't been popping those pills on schedule.

I had a cream puff today. It was worth it.

I really wanted to mention some funny things about where I work. It's a catering company, and we own a restaurant and bar in the building as well. Every day, I get comped breakfast and lunch and snacks, so I can't complain; however, this restaurant is like none I've ever experienced. It's quirky, and it's driving me insane.

I'll start with the blackboard we use for posting daily specials. All of our staff is Mexican, and that explains this error: At the top of the board in chalk it says "Today Special." They pick these phrases up by ear and write down what they hear, so instead of Today's Special, we get the above. Other aural errors include but are not limited to: Cream of Sparagus Soup, Turkey with Cramberry Sauce and today's special, Trio Deep Salad.

When I went down at 11 today, I saw that and thought, "WTF is Trio Deep Salad? Is it a deep sea salad with 3 fish products on it? That's not uncommon. What's missing in this phrase?" So I go over to the salad station, and there sits a salad with mounds of tabbouleh, hummus and baba gannouj, served with crackers and dressed veggies. Then it occurred to me - Trio DIP Salad. How silly am I?

So as I am wont to do, I went to correct the blackboard, and Javier our "pastry chef" got all snotty with me. That's my job; I'm damage control. What do our customers think when they see these things? I know what they think - I hear them dissing our product in the elevators.

And for good reason. Yesterday boasted a special for Cream of Italian Sausage Soup. I was hungry after my salad, and I needed the calories, so I got a small cup. Floating on top of a creamy broth was my "Italian Sausage": A cocktail weenie, cut on the bias. The soup was full of cocktail weenies. They didn't taste like sausage, they didn't taste like Polish, they tasted like hot dogs. There it was - Cream of Hot Dog Soup.

This just goes along with other infamous soup specials of the past.

Fish Ball Soup
Pork Ball Soup
Seafood and Vegetable (whole stir-fry veggies with whole calamari, tentacles and all)
Meat Chili
Cream of Radish

This is my monkeyville, Pitko. This is my monkeyville.

So there's that,

Laura

Meegs continues path to destruction...

As if the entire loaf of maple walnut bread with McGill wasnt enough, last night I stumbled upon Meegs in my local Jewel Osco. She was in the bread isle, on the floor, passed out, surrounded by empty packages of white hot dog buns. I counted at least 12 bags, but im not sure how many were pinned beneath her, or how many she had ingested in a carb induced craze.

Atkins is a scary, scary thing and it is taking its toll on the carb queen.

The Walk of Shame

The smell of peanut and garlic wafted into the office. The announcement came over the intercom, "Lunch is ready." Several dozen people sang an off-key Happy Birthday.

Suddenly fear that that there wasn't enough food swept over the crowd. All were consumed with an adrenaline aphrodisiac and fought their way through the mounds of Pad Thai and Cashew Chicken. I held back, nibbling on fresh green beans dipped in ranch to try to crunch my loneliness away. After the crowd waned, I couldn't take it anymore and I descended upon the remnants like a hyena. Scattered skeletal bits of spring roll, mixed vegetables, chicken, and noodles covered the bar. I carefully selected a small plate of vegetables, but couldn't resist a little bit of chicken and a small spring roll. Every bite was delectable, but I fear that the unknown sauce was a sugary gateway drug. The cravings welled up from a dark place deep within, and I thirsted for more.

I went back to the bar to find only a smattering of Pad Thai. "A tiny bit won't hurt" I thought to myself as I took a taste. The rest was a blur.

Brian found me a few minutes later under the table with noodles in my hair and a peanut sauce stain on my skirt. Bits of carrot cake frosting lingered at the corners of my mouth. Embarrassed, I pulled myself together and limped back to my desk like a prom date given a bus pass instead of a ride home.

Despite Brian's cruel taunting, I have faith that I will recover from this indiscretion. No regrets! Even if it causes a minor setback in my diet plans, those fleeting moments of passion were worth it.

MEGAN GIVES UP!!!

ok, so for those of you who don't know, meegan and i work together. today is birthday lunch and thai food was ordered. meegan, who is doing ATKINS (NO CARBS) attempted to eat non carb food but now is eating an enormous plate of pad thai (noodles, lots of carbs).

SHE IS GOING TO GAIN 47 LBS. I think i just heard a button burst.

VICTORY IS MINE!!

SUCCESS!!

Im happy to say that I indeed did drop a pound week two bringing the two week total to 8.

GO HENNING!!

The End of Week Two

tomorrow is monday, and signifies the beginning of week three of the second helping weight loss challenge. i'm a little hesitant to do the weigh in tomorrow morning. i don't expect to lose as much as i did week one, and that's cool, as losing 7 lbs a week isn't normal beyond week one. my biggest concern is stepping on the scale to find i've held steady. i like to see progress. one pound, i'm happy. none and i'm a bit discouraged.

all and all things have been going well. ive been making good food choices for the last two weeks and have really impressed myself. i've found that i don't have the desire to eat bad things and when the notion does pop in my mind it is easy to fight. friday night i was off and had a rare opportunity to relax at the house and kick back. i went to trader joe's to pick up a few things and while i was there i got the urge to get something snacky. i ended up with a bag of light white cheddar popcorn that, as the label showed, wasn't exactly health food but wasn't all that bad either. it completely satisfied me. then today, sunday, has been a really long day. i worked, had a comedysportz student show followed by a rehearsal, it was a non stop day. in the back of my mind i kept thinking "i'm going to get some ice cream or something on the way home," but when the time came, i didn't do it and enjoyed some hummus instead. i'm happy with that aspect...big time.

the exercise portion is lagging, though. it's now midnight, and i'm tired. part of me wants to get out and go for a walk but most of me wants to call it a night and get some rest. i need to find more time to exercise. i work a lot, rehearse and/or meet for show stuff 4-5 times a week, have 2 classes and still try to get a good flow of stuff on ebay to help pay the bills...its a lot of running around and i thoroughly enjoy all of it, however it really does cut into the exercise time.

that is going to be my goal for this coming week. make sure i get the exercise in. this past week i only got in walks twice...and when i say walk, i'm referring to the 6-8 mile brisk walks i take specifically for exercise, not walking to and from things like i've been doing more and more. i'm going to do my best to get 4 in. hopefully i'll find the time to do that.

here's to week 3!!

bh

The Life Aquatic

Hello Lovers.

So I'm a little down. That's me...I'm overjoyed and eager one week, then secret-eating the next.I'm a little stressed. I'm in a career stalemate, and I'm torn between what's good for the company and what's good for me. I know enough to say that what's good for me is always right. I just have to make some decisions and do a lot of work.

I got take out a lot this week. Thai Aroma's broccoli beef (with cucumber salad!), Cosi's buffalo chicken sandwich (and signature salad!), and last night was the worst - 2 slices of Pizza-Ria! pizza (one veggie, one pepperoni/sausage). I don't even like pizza, and I didn't even like eating it. I was just starving, and Lane Bryant closed before I got there, and this place was right next to the train, so I did it. I ate my feelings. Just because I couldn't go to a clothing store to get something I really didn't need, I decided to spend my money on food. What a mess am I.

I was watching The Life Aquatic last night, and I always get weepy at that part where they're all in the search pod and they've just seen the jaguar shark, and Steve Zissou says, "Do you think he remembers me?" Then he starts weeping and everybody puts their hands on him.

I think like that sometimes. I've met so many people in my life, and I reflect on them quite often. I wonder, though if any of those people (especially the men) think back on me. I'm a passionate person, I think there's a reason for everything, and I try to take every experience and put it in my files. I fill my time with work and exercise and comedy, but the time that's empty of those things is full of thought on what I've done and what I'm doing. These thoughts come in the night as I try to pull myself toward sleep - the primetime for self-reflection. It's also the time of the day when I feel most vulnerable and lost. Would this change if I had someone's arms around me, a neck to nuzzle into as we float to slumber? Or would I always be thinking, "Do you think he remembers me? Do you think this one here cares about me like no one else has?"

I'm a real person - I'm prone to sappy blogs. The person I am is scarred, but hopeful. There are times I'm positive, and times I'm cynical. I don't want to chase love or marriage by any stretch, but that doesn't mean that I don't want it to happen at some point. I'm still holding out for that one great person, and I can only hope that my patience and perserverance will be rewarded.

In the meantime, I need to be true to myself and my goals. Weight loss has always been my major focus in life...and that could very well be part of the problem. I don't want to stop losing, but I worry that all I think about is portion control and exercise; what will I have to offer when I finally reach my goals? What good is a perfect body if I don't know who the fuck I am?

I have a pretty good idea.

So there's that,

Laura

Balanced Diets are for Pussies

There is only one food group. And her name is meat.

I have lost 13 lbs. Brian cannot take that away from me. His sticks and stones may break my bones but his words float past me like the wafting scent of a rotisserie chicken.

This week my goal is to implement an exercise plan. I will make love to that pull up machine every day if it kills me.

P.S. The donut liked my singing. Food loves me back. Unlike people.

Week One Results

Well fatkateers, week one has ended, and judging by the frantic series of text messages Meegs sent out at 2 am, it appears she has lost the most weight thus far. Honestly, I'm not a bit surprised. See, she is doing Atkins, a diet that ensures failure to all who try it. Sure, she will lose a lot of weight very quickly, but I know Meegs. She loves carbs. I once saw her serenade a donut. At some point she will eat one single crouton and gain 53 pounds. It is inevitable. While she is victorious this week, and maybe even next, it is obvious that I am the real winner.

WEEK ONE RESULTS: SEVEN POUNDS LOST

I have to admit I'm quite pleased. I knew going into this that I would ultimately be the winner, however I also knew that simple diet and exercise would most likely help me lose weight more slowly than Ms. Bacon and The Pill-popper (by the way, congrats on being third, Laura). So I'm please that week one yielded such great results. Basically, I watched what I ate. Had lots of salads and fresh fruits and when I did eat out somewhere I got something delectable yet somewhat healthy (at least compared to the other things on the menu) and substituted fries for other things, etc. See, while I am on a diet, there is nothing I cant have if I so choose. Nothing is off limits, so that craving for something I can't have isn't there.

I also wanted to point out that Mr. McGill's claims of only being chubby may indeed be an elaborate hoax on his part. Surprisingly, after my week one loss, I now weigh 2 pounds less than he does, despite being 5 inches taller. Does this mean I'm only chubby as well? Or does it mean that McGill is actually....

I TOLD YOU!

I'm a Loser, Baby!

Hello Lovers,

For those of you who think diet pills are a myth, here's something for you:

4 POUNDS!
DA DA DAAAH, DA DA DAAAHHHH! TONY LING!

That last bit was a college reference only a few of you will get. But the fact remains that I lost 4 pounds this week, bitches. And I did it with Hoodia and water pills. And diet and excercise, but mostly pills. Whew! Success feels good.

This is the first loss that will count toward the weight loss challenge, but I've been working at this for 3 months now, and these 4 little pounds bring my total loss to 17.8 pounds. Feel that.

I grant myself one cheat day a week and that day was Saturday. I had two helpings of soup from SoupBox (Lobster Bisque mixed with Clam Chowder - nummers!), 16 oz Jamba Juice (Berry Fulfilling with Fiber), Movie Theater Nachos (Go see Hot Fuzz!), and Cinco de Mayo Nachos from the questionable Mexican place 'round the block. And oatmeal scotchies. And Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked...Light Frozen Yogurt. And yes, it was worth it.

Now I'm back in the groove and feeling great! Let's shoot for another 4 pounds next week!

So there's that,

Laura

Video #1 - Introduction

My Goodies

Hello Lovers,

I've been doing swimmingly on portion control in the last 2 weeks. I made a southwest chicken pasta salad last night that was heavenly, and I was washing dishes I thought,

"Why don't I go ahead and make up those Oatmeal Scotchies I have all the ingredients for?"

And I did. If you don't know, an oatmeal scotchie is the best cookie known to man. Oatmeal cookie dough with butterscotch morsels (so much better than chocolate) and walnuts. Well, I add walnuts because I think they make every dessert better. Yummers, yummers x 10. You don't see that on your average multiplication table.

The neat thing though, is that I made them, and ate ONE. I normally wrap them up to take to work, but I hate my job right now, so I'm not going to bless anyone with cookies. I thought I'd give myself a little spiritual test: Keep the big plate on my counter and see how well I can abstain from eating them all.

Talk about a tempest in a teapot-shaped cookie jar!

I'll keep you posted on my goodies, my goodies, my goodies - not my goodies.

So there's that,

Laura

Congrats to Laura and French Fries

First off, congrats to Laura on losing 15 pounds as mentioned in her last post. Losing weight isn't easy and I sincerely congratulate her on that and wish her the best of luck in continuing to shed the lbs.

Unfortunately for her though, that weight does not count in this contest, so once again, I predict a shock and awe victory on my part.

Last night I had a writers meeting at Twisted Spoke on Clark. Now, the diet program I'm doing encourages one "cheat meal" a week, where you forget about the diet and eat a meal without worrying about what it is. When I started, I figured wednesday nights would be this cheat meal, as I meet weekly to work on a musical project. Once I got to the place, I didn't WANT to do the cheat meal...especially only on day 3. So I got a turkey and swiss and didnt eat any of the fries. HOORAY HENNING! VICTORY IS MINE!

Ranch Dressing

It's true, Laura, I DO think of Ricky Gervais every time I hear that song!

Today I want to talk about Ranch Dressing. It is one of the most versatile condiments known to man! You can put it on just about anything, and its LOW CARB! Whoot!

This morning I had a delicious breakfast of diced cucumber and hard-boiled eggs. Now that might not sound so exciting, but if you smother it with ranch dressing and chopped bacon, NOW you have a meal! It was so yummy, I licked the bowl! They should make Ranch perfume! I'd totally wear it! I'd so popular with the fat guys. It would be like those Axe Body Spray commercials except it would be fat guys chasing after ME. That thought is kinda scary and kinda cool at the same time. Of course I would turn most of them down because after this diet I'm going to be so hot I can have any guy I want. I'm not the kind of girl that bases attraction entirely on looks. I like guys who are smart and funny. If he's financially stable that's helpful too. We'll have a nice little condo in Lincoln Park or Boystown or Roscoe Village or something. Oh and a dog! All thanks to the alluring scent and power of ranch dressing!

I think I'm in a better mood because my sugar cravings have finally subsided. I've stopped offering to sell my body parts in exchange for dinner rolls and ice cream. For now.

Simply the Best!

Hello Lovers,

If you look at my title and think of Ricky Gervais as David Brent in jeans, undershirt and baseball cap dancing out of the room after a cheesy motivational speech...then I've done my job.

I, however, look at the title and am reminded of myself, this morning, giving my own sort of motivational speech. I took out the light gray pants that I bought in January. They were "my size" when I bought them, but they weren't made of overly stretchy material. After coming home from the store and trying them on, I realized I needed to lose a lot of weight, so the next day, I started excercising again.

Three months later, I'm down nearly 15 lbs and these pants fit like a dream, like a summer wind encapsulating my thighs. I love these pants, and I love me.

...because I'm simply the best. Better than all the rest. Even Brian Henning.

So there's that,

Laura

SIX INCH

Hello Lovers,

Henning can eat it. I updated my subway size. No, smartass, it wasn't a six-foot - it was a six INCH. I knew if we let Brian in the group, things would get ugly. Hey-O!

So there's that,

Laura

Woman of Contradictions

About her diet Meegs writes: "but this time I'm already bored...and I'm not happy."

Then, a short time later she writes: "I purposely chose a diet that is bacon-centric so I would be happy..."

Somebody is having sugary snack withdrawl problems...

Also, she writes: "I've noticed that my roomate's dog, Lois, who is usually anti-social has started snuggling with me all the time since I started this diet...She's always licking my face giving me doggie-kisses and following me around in the evenings when I'm home cooking."

OF COURSE SHE IS FOLLOWING MEEGS AROUND AND LICKING HER FACE, SHE IS COVERED IN BACON!!!

HENNING WILL WIN!!
HENNING WILL WIN!!

Dogs Love Me

Listen, I can't help it. I love bacon. (no our sponsor has not paid me to say this) I purposely chose a diet that is bacon-centric so I would be happy and less tempted to cheat. Brian needs to have a portion-controlled serving of "shut-the-hell-up."

Also, I've noticed that my roomate's dog, Lois, who is usually anti-social has started snuggling with me all the time since I started this diet. It must be the new-found confidence from my weight loss. Dogs can sense that kind of thing. She's always licking my face giving me doggie-kisses and following me around in the evenings when I'm home cooking. It feels nice to be appreciated for me.

HENNING WILL WIN!!

Ok, it's day three. So far, Meegs broke her low carb diet by eating chocolate and some sort of iced coffee drink from dunkin donuts (and who knows how many donuts) and Laura ate ice cream and a SIX FOOT SEAFOOD SUB!? How is that even possible? We havn't even heard from McGill, although he is only just chubby anyway.

How am I doing? GREAT. Eating delicious and healthy food (not a huge zip lock baggie full of bacon) and doing some cardio equals 5 lbs lost so far. GO HENNING! RA RA RA!

I'm going to win the $10,000!!!

A History of The Weight-Off

A couple of months ago I was asked to be an outside eye, or in other words, to direct The Second Helping's DC Sketchfest show. For those of you who don't know what The Second Helping is, it is a plus sized sketch comedy troupe who love themselves for who they are. I immediately accepted the invitation to direct, yet, within a couple of hours was horribly insulted when I realized that my weight was more of a factor in their decision to ask me for help than my brilliance. Regardless, I had said yes and I am a man of my word.

During out first meeting, I was shocked at the amount of food that they brought for a simple planning meeting. Chips, candy, a pineapple upside-down cake...they brought it all, and devoured every last crumb. I began to get concerned for their health and well being...along with my own, knowing that I would be working with them in some capacity for a while.

I choreographed a dance routine for their closing number. It wasn't incredibly complicated but at the end of it, the room temperature had risen 17 degrees and Jim, Meegs and Laura were dripping wet...I decided something had to be done.

I suggested we all do a highly publicized weight-off. I played it up as a way to promote the group, but really, it was my way of helping prevent inevitable heart attacks. At first, they thought it was a joke. Meegs actually said "it would be hilarious if we all actually GAINED weight." I stared blankly. Finally, they agreed and were excited about the prospect of losing weight as a group.

Just Hold On For One More Day

Hello Lovers,

Yesterday was nearly a tragedy for me: I almost fell prey to secret eating. I had a normal breakfast - 2 eggs scrambled with tomatoes and mozzarella, and Hoodia - but I went to the dentist for lunch and was immediately stressed by the experience. I won't go into detail, but I think I'll need major reconstruction.

This prompted me to get lunch, and the only thing healthy nearby was Subway - which was just across the herd of immigration activists lowing down Jackson Street. Having made my way through the crowd without being smeared with taco meat, I did some marching of my own - straight up to the counter where I ordered a healthy treat - a six-INCH wheat...seafood & crab.

I said it. My mouth hurt, and I wanted something soft and creamy, and I'm disgusting myself as I type this. I hope the spinach, onions, tomatoes, banana peppers, olives and vinegar would counteract the fat, but time will tell. Needless to say, I immediately chased the lunch with 5 water pills, 2 Hoodia, and a 50.7 oz bottle of Pure American water.

Pure American: The Water You Can Trust, Because It Has An Eagle & Mountains On The Label. -- source: http://www.pureamerican.com/

Then I walked back to the office, partly because the march was blocking northbound bus traffic. But on the way, I stopped for a single dip of vanilla ice cream at Potbelly.

My problem with indulging in treats is that I want to spend the rest of the day exploring the possibilities. I decided to walk the 6 miles home as opposed to taking the bus to the gym, and on the way I thought, "If I go to Thai Aroma for some cucumber salad and broccoli beef, I won't be doing too bad." I needed balance, and I took the high road, and cooked at home.

Menu:
2 Hoodia
1 Pickling Cucumber, halved and filled with She Gives Hummus (see yesterday's recipe)
Orange Roughy Sauteed in Olive Oil with Chicken Broth, Lemon, Halved Grape Tomatoes, Garlic, and tossed with Whole Wheat Linguine; Served Over Fresh Baby Spinach Leaves
1 serving Kozy Shack No Sugar Added Rice Pudding

Not bad, Meyer, not bad at all. At least not as bad as that Chris Richardson on American Idol - hey-o!

So There's That,

Laura

My Tummy Hurts

I did really well on the low-carb diet last time I tried it, but this time I'm already bored with my food options. Maybe it's because I'm procrastinating doing my homework, but I've been browsing in the kitchen for like an hour and I'm not happy. So I gave in and ate a bunch of low-carb chocolate. Now when I say "a bunch" I mean all 2.5 servings in the package. Have you ever eaten low-carb chocolate before? If so you will understand my pain.

Liar! Braggart!

Hello Lovers,

I just want to note that Brian isn't nearly as seasoned a dieter as I, and he shall not reign this competition!

Statistically, though, men can more easily lose weight than women. But I'll just call that codswallop.

There's that,

Laura

Brian will dominate!

I would just like to state for the record that I will, without a doubt, emerge victorious in the Second Helping Weight-Off.

I Give Hummus

Hello Lovers,

I came up with this recipe for hummus after I fell in love with fiber. The problem is, I hate the hummus they pass off in stores: it's too tangy and full of shelf-stabilizers. I also have a great disdain for tahini - a tangy sesame butter that's loaded with fat. My recipe is significantly lower in fat and higher in flavor.

I enjoy this with those small pickling cucumbers (less waxy), which I slice in half lengthwise remove the seeds and fill with this wonderful hummus. I also dip the standard red peppers, cherry tomatoes, whole wheat pita bread, and green onion blades.

SHE GIVES HUMMUS
1 can garbanzo beans, drained (reserve liquid) and rinsed
1 clove garlic, coarsely chopped1/3 c loosely packed flat-leaf parsley
2 tsp olive oil
1/4 tsp toasted sesame oil
1/2 lemon
salt and pepper to taste

Place garlic and garbanzos in a food processor and process until the mixture stops moving. Scrape down the sides to get the beans closer to the blades and pulse again. Scrape down the sides, and process full blast as you pour about a quarter cup of the reserved liquid steadily through the feed tube. Add just enough to make the mixture smooth, not runny.

*Note - the liquid looks pretty thick and gross, but don't worry, that's just salted water and starch from the beans. That liquid is a natural thickener, like pasta water.

When beans are smooth, give the motor a little break. Then turn on again and slowly pour in olive and sesame oils through the feed tube. When oils are incorporated, turn off, open the lid, then add salt, pepper, a squeeze of fresh lemon juice from 1/2 lemon (watch the seeds!), and the parsley. Process again until all is combined, and voila! The best hummer a girl ever gave you. I mean hummus.

Tips:

Make fake out deviled eggs by spooning this hummus into halved egg whites!
Add red pepper flake and hot sauce for a little spice!
Add horseradish for a greater zing!
You don't have to use parsley - it just makes it peppery and fresh!
Add finely chopped and seeded cucumber (after processing) for crunch! You can add finely chopped red onion, too!
Add basil for an Italian taste!
The possibilities are endless!

*Note: A guy told me this weekend that hummus was a Jewish terrorist organization. What a laugh - Jews don't organize!

That's all of me for now!

Laura

Laura's New Day

Hello Lovers, Laura the Romantic here, and there's nothing I love more about spring than that feeling you get when you look at other women's bare legs and think, "Why can't that be me?" .

I'm not a dyke or anything, I just have Meyer calves, and that means big. I have big-ass calves, like pistons, to go with my big ass. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am, I just hate my body.

Hoodia will help that.

That's right. The other Fat-tastic Funnies and I started a weight-loss challenge for the next three months. I decided to approach this diet like all the diets my mom put me on when I was a kid - by taking magic pills! Only this time it will be different. This won't be any of those other, failed diets; it's gonna be a lifestyle change. And hopefully one that keeps my heart murmuring like Phen-Fen did back in junior high!

So yesterday, I overhauled my fridge by throwing out empty cardboard pudding boxes and rotting lettuce and replacing it with new boxes and fresh spinach. If you've been to my place, you know I keep a lot of food on hand because I'm a foodie who loves to cook, and I have a compulsion to buy food every week - no matter if I need it or not. Yesterday that compulsion cost me 72 bucks and some change. I put it on credit, because credit cards are made for compulsive habits - at least that's what my mom taught me :)

I bought some Hoodia, too, just to speed up the process. Some of my most successful diets were done with a scientific balance of portion control, exercise, and pills: Xenadrine was my friend the last time I lost 100 lbs, but once I stopped exercise and portion control, my weight just sky-rocketed. Thanks, City of Chicago, for making me bright-eyed and fat-thighed upon my move here! We'll see how far ol' Hoodie can take me for now.

So here's my stats:

Age: 25

Weight: I won't tell, but the highest in my life was 340, and the lowest was 230. I'm not above my highest, and I'm not below my lowest, but my ultimate goal is 180. Percentage-wise I aim to lose 15% of my current weight before the first week in August!

Height: 5'11"

Goal: To have a more active and rewarding late twenties than my early twenties. To reach ultimate goal by 27.

Danger Zones: Everything below the waist, and my Arm Danglies.

Danger Snacks: Fruit Roll-Ups (fresh or frozen), Strawberry Gushers (fresh or frozen), Haribo Gummi Bears, Guacamole.

Danger Behavior: Avoiding social interaction, serial dating to receive sexual recognition from men, even if it's unhealthy, denying trauma, and cutting.

Healthy Treats: Hummus (stay tuned for my recipes), Chicken Salad, Shrimp Salad, Fresh Smoothies, Fiber One Bars, Skinny Chai Latte, Frozen Grapes, and all kinds of fruit sorbets (esp. Raspberry and Blood Orange).

Healthy Behavior: Excercising regularly, walking to the shore, and seeking new hobbies - this month: roller-skating!

Hobbies: Reading food history books, gastro-economic books, developing recipes, cooking for others, excercise and singing.

That's all of me for now. Happy Dieting!

Laura

Day 1. Meat Meat Meat!

I started on my low carb diet today and I'm cranky already. We celebrated April birthdays at work today and I didn't even eat a piece of MY OWN birtday cake. I'm pretty torn up about it, but I knew the sugar would throw me all out of whack for the rest of the day and I don't want to get behind. It looked SOOOO good. I love food.